Happy Tuesday everyone.
I've posted some long chapters over the past weeks and many of you have read them like the troopers you are. To reward the faithful, this post is short.
Thank you for reading and commenting, especially the Arkansas crew.
Aloha,
Doug
The Bones of the King CHAPTER 118 Courage in the dark
Kaiulani thought of her coming death and hung her head and sobbed.
The thought of her life ending and the long march of time continuing without her were too much to bear. She did not want to become someone else’s memory. Life was too precious. She would miss her mother and Noah and her young cousins flocking around her during hula classes at Kawaihae. She would miss the dawn swims and the view of the moon rising over the mountain month after month in its endless cycle. Alone in the darkness and afraid, Kaiulani reached out to the only source of solace she knew in times of trouble.
She was a descendant of warriors proud and strong, members of a race that had found its way to Hawaii in open hulled canoes guided by navigators the likes of which the world would never see again. They had suffered and died, yes, but they had lived and loved and survived. Her story was their story and their strength was hers. She reminded herself she was being watched and stopped crying. Kaiulani raised her head. Whatever fate awaited her, she would face it with eyes undimmed by tears. She would not give al Shar the pleasure of seeing her cower and she would fight for her life and the lives of those she loved.
Summoning the courage of her ancestors, Kaiulani steeled herself and waited for the ordeal to come.
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Oh wow, that is so much better! Tight and concise. It is much more affecting now. Just the way it should be. You did a great job with those edits!
ReplyDeleteVery nice, Doug :) I'm looking forward to Kaiulani's fight for freedom.
ReplyDeleteHi, Lisa.
ReplyDeleteThey're not the same chapters, but the new 12 is shorter as well, Thanks for reading.
Doug,
Madison,
ReplyDeleteIt's down to the end for Kaiulani. If she can get al Shar into the water then I pity him. Otherwise things look grim for our heroine.
Can't tell you how much I appreciate you reading these bits and pieces. Time is coming when they'll be lined up in a row and flanked by book jacket, title and blurbs.
Self fulfilling prophecy.
Aloha,
Doug
It's going to be a day worthy of celebrating, then! I'll want an autographed copy, you know.
ReplyDeleteTonight I may be able to get mine posted. Work hasn't cooperated with me today.
Doug, I'm so tired I will not comment now, except to tell you I'll get back to you a little later. :-)
ReplyDeleteMadison,
ReplyDeleteI will cartwheel your copy to you personally and with great pleasure.
Doug
Kady,
ReplyDeleteTake your time. Rest and rejuvenate. Lots of irons in your fire. I'm in the editing home stretch. Got up to 154 out of 184 chapters done last shift.
Breathe.
Yours,
Doug
You did a wonderful job. This was truly a pleasure to read. My only critisam is that, and I could be wrong, “The thought of her life ending and the long march of time continuing without her were too much to bear.“ should have a comma.
ReplyDeleteWell Done;)
Dear RidingnWriting,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your encouraging words. Commas are not my nemesis, but they're close. I rely on a sense of how the sentence flows and sounds more than adherence to rules (I don't know them.) Your comments mean a great deal to me for that very reason. You reading the passage for the first time and noting a detail like that is priceless. I'm either too close to it or deaf or both.
I'll investigate and see what to do. Googling comma usage now.
Mahalo and Aloha,
Doug
How enjoyable. "She did not want to become someone else's memory." - that line really resonated with me.
ReplyDeleteI haven't read your work before, but I'll be sure to in the future.
Also, is the name of your blog (Ironwood) in reference to the town in Upper Peninsula Michigan, by chance?
-Aya/Amber
abidingtime.secret-hands.org
Doug,
ReplyDeleteI've had some sleep and, as my dad would have said, I've "loused around" some -- meaning: I've done nothing but loaf around for a couple of hours. My brain is now functioning.
I do so envy your writing! It is so lyrical and beautiful. But you know that.
Three suggestions, and none of them difficult or insulting (I hope): maybe play out the early part of that scene a little more. It seems almost as if you've rushed it. You had a couple of previous comments to cut back your narrative, but don't take it so far as to leave your reader out of feeling the girl's deep despair. Give us a little more indication of time and place, too, please. Not a lot, but a little more so that we know where she is, physically. And lastly, look for signs of passive verb use then change it to something alive. For instance, compare: "She would miss her mother and Noah and her young cousins flocking around her during hula classes at Kawaihae. She would miss the dawn swims and the view of the moon rising over the mountain month after month in its endless cycle." to "Never to swim at dawn or to see the moon rise over the mountain in its endless cycle filled her with despair. The mere thought of never seeing her mother or Noah again broke her heart." An easy fix and it will electrify your prose.
I hope this helps. Keep up the good work. You are building a loyal readership, you know!
--kd
Dear Amber,
ReplyDeleteCame home from a long day of screenwriting to find your kind comments. What a nice way to start the evening.
The "Ironwood" in Ironwoodwind refers to a hardy tree that is sometimes called the pine tree's evil twin. There's a row of them outside my window on a fence line that borders Parker Ranch. The sound of the trade winds moving through them reminds me to write, breathe deep and know that I am on the right path.
My great great grandfather and his six brothers discovers the Mesabi iron range in Minnesota. Does that count for anything? Are you from Michigan?
I look forward to reading more of your work. See you on Tuesday!
Yours,
Doug
Dear Kady,
ReplyDeleteYou are too polite. I really enjoy reading comments from you because they are always right on point when addressing details and ways to improve my writing. I can't thank you enough.
I feel like the old Connecticut Yankee sitting on a stool out in front of a store who's been asked if he thinks the weather will improve. The old coot looks up and replies, "Hard tellin', not knowin'."
Until your comment I had no vocabulary to describe the type of writing you mentioned. I'll be educating myself tonight on the Googlenet and then making changes.
Regarding the time, place and despair references: This chapter is one in a series in which Kaiulani is tied up in the 'hose room' so in earlier chapters the reader knows where she is and the time. There is one in particular that deals with her despair. This short little chapter follows a harrowing episode with al Shar and is intended to show how she finds a measure of peace and hardens her resolve following these sessions even as she senses her doom approaching.
This by way of saying I hear you but in context I think you'll find I've got those time and location cues covered. Please don't cross those sort of comments of your list, though. I thrive on constructive criticism. Cannot get enough of it.
Thank you very much. Going to go louse around now. Sounds like fun!
Aloha and Mahalo!
Yours,
Doug
I'm sorry I've not followed this story from its beginnings. If you've already built up the depths of her despair then overdoing it would certainly become maudlin and unpleasant to read. You don't want that.
ReplyDeleteWilliam Zinsser wrote a great book titled ON WRITING WELL. It is called a guide for nonfiction writers, but it helped me more than any book I found about writing fiction. Good, solid instruction. I recommend it to every writer I meet.
Look forward to reading more of yours!
kd
Dear Kady,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the recommendation. I'll find that book right away and devour it. I've been posting bits and pieces from here and there ever since chapter 6 so no worries. Trying to get the writing out there and solicit comments without giving away the whole story. My fault.
Have I said how much I appreciate your help? Well, I do:)
Almost done with the complete edit. Now I have the hardest project to go. One page synopsis in first person. Crikey! (It's a hard life.) Looking forward to it.
Have a great day, Kady.
Aloha,
Doug